pastry

i used to be skinny

i guess i still kind of am

but corona has made me soft

i’m like a squishy dumpling filled with pudding

a soft and sweet baked good to rest one’s head on

M A S K

wear it.

corona 6

JUNE

a new month…the same, and worse, tragedy.

I woke up today in a similar mood to most days recently–kind of weird feeling, not exactly sad, or anxious, but not happy or excited for the day either. Then I got on social media, and like many other days this past week, I felt sad and angry. Sad about the horrific things happening to normal people in normal cities and towns today, especially in the United States. Angry at the oppressors, and angry and disappointed with the people I know and love sharing misinformation on the Internet, even when they think they are “helping” or even just trying to be “funny.” I just don’t get it. I can’t imagine what it is like to be constantly afraid for your life because of your physical features. I don’t think I can say much that hasn’t already been said, but at the same time, it feels wrong to write about the virus right now. However, I will say that we are all HUMAN BEINGS. We all have the right to LIFE. I’ll be redundant here for emphasis: if you actively, deliberately, and knowingly take steps to purposely endanger the LIFE of another person, whether that is on a small scale of not wearing your mask in a busy public place jUsT beCauSE yOu CaN, or on a large scale of murdering another human being because of the color of their skin, I would suggest that you take some time to sit with yourself and contemplate the most important things in life. Is it caring about others and taking actions that will help protect our fellow humans, or is it asserting your own power over others, no matter the consequences?

You know why I can write this silly blog whenever I have free time about any topic I want, or not? Because I HAVE free time. Because I am not working all the time. Because my biggest issues or worries on a daily basis are what I want for breakfast, or when I’m going to start writing that essay, or what we will work on in my student’s voice lesson later, or, on the largest scale concerning current events, if my family will get sick from covid-19. Why is that? Because I’m PRIVILEGED. Because I’m WHITE. Yeah, I’m a woman. I am part of the group of people that has historically been marginalized in comparison to men. But who got the right to vote in 1920 after they fought for it? White women. Who was still fighting for civil rights forty years later? Black people. Who got shot–assassinated–MURDERED while he was just standing there, on the balcony of a hotel room? One of the biggest leaders of the Civil Rights Movement, Martin Luther King, Jr. (and may I mention, fondly remembered and quoted by lots of white people who otherwise don’t really seem to do much of anything about the current situation besides share his quotes on Facebook). Who is STILL fighting for basic human rights TODAY, in 2020?? Black people. Literal human beings who are fighting to be treated as what they are–human beings with value–because our white ancestors came into this land and took it by force, then took PEOPLE by force out of their home countries to work for them, for nothing, in horrible conditions. Why does this injustice still exist today? Why can people not understand how to love our fellow humans? How are you not able to get it through your head that one person is not less than another because of their color, or culture, or the way they dress or speak? Don’t just be colorblind. Celebrate these differences. This is what makes us all human: our unique qualities, our different backgrounds, the words we choose, the fabrics we put on our bodies, the music we make, our belief systems, etc. etc. etc. (because I don’t want to leave anything out). BUT in order for that to even be celebrated, everyone has to BELIEVE that we are all equal and put that into ACTION. For that to happen, the things that are happening in the world right now are necessary. We need major change, or this injustice will continue to happen. Say it with me: Black lives MATTER. That is a fact. It must become the every-day-for-the-rest-of-time reality in order for you to say that all lives truly matter. They do, yes, everyone matters and has worth and value as a human being (what have I been saying this whole time???), but we have to take care of the people who have been told for centuries that they don’t matter before that can become a real functioning reality. Let’s love each other. Let’s take some serious time to consider who we are voting into office, on all levels. Does your favorite politician show love? Does your favorite civil servant value the fragility and worth of human life? Does your favorite presidential candidate take action to make sure that the horrors taking place in the judicial system and law enforcement are eradicated? Does your favorite person in office make sure that all voices are heard, or only the ones they agree with? Do you truly value Black lives, or just the idea of looking good on Facebook?

I understand that everyone has some sort of bias on a variety of scales. But you should NOT have that bias when it comes to valuing human life. If you value and love your fellow humans, please do something about it.

NATIONAL RESOURCES LIST

corona 5

MAY

I don’t know how long we’ve been in quarantine. We left class the Friday before spring break with no idea that we would never go back, and now we’re about to graduate. It’s May, trees have leaves, flowers have sprouted, and the grass is bright green. Birds and squirrels yell every morning, their songs and barks blending into a cacophony of earth song. There is less than a week until “graduation” (the university is putting out a video scrolling all the graduates’ names and honors on Saturday), but I still have SO MUCH to do. Papers, projects, notebooks, documents, posts, etc. I don’t know how or when there will be any “last goodbyes,” but it’s probably better this way. It’s easier to just fade away (we are all pretty much ghosting each other) and see each other again in the future as if a goodbye never happened…because it didn’t.

We settled on a prospective apartment for grad school with 2 bedrooms so we can have an office/music room space. We submitted the applications yesterday, so hopefully it works out! I am so excited to get everything organized and decorated and create a clean, functional, cozy space. I am NOT looking forward to moving out of my house, though. I have to get rid of a bunch of junk to make the process as pain-free as possible, and there is so much stuff to organize and pack up. It’s kind of funny how packing and unpacking have different connotations for me depending on the situation. In terms of going on a trip, I don’t like either, but I probably prefer packing to unpacking because the excitement for the trip is motivational. Unpacking belongings and furniture for a new house, though, is much more fun than packing it all up to move. That’s why I need to just get rid of a bunch of my stuff. I’m always saying that, but I am a very sentimental person and it’s hard to get rid of things that might have a story or a fond memory attached…or if there’s just a tiiiiiiiny bit of product left in that tube.

My recital is officially cancelled. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m glad to know something with a level of certainty, though.

Graduation day! We watched ourselves sing the national anthem, which we recorded a couple weeks ago, and then watched our names scroll by. It was a moment of joy and accomplishment, but we haven’t even finished all our coursework for the semester… grades aren’t due from professors until Tuesday noon. We have a project due tomorrow night, and other things after that as well. I had coffee around dinnertime, because we knew we’d be staying up to work on the projects, so I feel pretty tired-yet-awake and wholly unhuman. It’s hard to believe that I’m a “college graduate,” but I guess I’m really not until grades are submitted and I actually receive my diploma in the mail. The bright spot in all of this is that we get to experience it together… and the pizza we had for dinner.

Classes are done, my work for my undergraduate degree is done.

Moving day, May 14th. I had help from Spensor and both my parents and we were able to get it all done in a day. Stuff moved out, house cleaned. I couldn’t have done it alone. I made cinnamon rolls for everyone in the morning and they were delicious… though they could’ve used more cinnamon. Cinnabon has a negative connotation in the Carls household, because they tend to use too much cinnamon and you can’t really taste anything besides that, so I was afraid of using too much. On the bright side, we were really able to appreciate the dough. The first time I made cinnamon rolls on my own in my college house, I used too much brown sugar and baked them on the center rack. The center rack would’ve been fine, except the dish I use for baking stuff like that is glass, so they were more insulated than they would’ve been in a metal pan like my dad uses (and therefore didn’t quite bake through). So for this batch, I used less brown sugar in the middle and baked on the rack just below center. They were quite good.

A few days after moving, we all feel a little bit sicky. Mostly mild sore throats, likely colds or dust irritation from moving everything out of the house and cleaning the whole place. Still a little worried, but everything is probably fine. Nonetheless, it’s a horrible time to move, but my lease is up at the end of the month so there really wasn’t a choice.

I have three voice students starting Zoom lessons this week. The first one was yesterday, I have another this afternoon, and the third is in a couple days. It is fun! I’m excited to see/hear how they develop over the summer.

This is such a weird month. It felt great to finish school (until I start grad school in August) and come home for the summer. It’s great to spend all this time with my parents. Voice lessons with my new students are exciting and fun. But the virus also is not gone yet, and it’s scary. So many people are shouting their opinions out into the void of social media, and I guess this is basically the same thing, but it’s overwhelming. It’s easy to get down about all of it and be afraid that places are opening too soon, it will spread more, and people will keep getting sick and dying. Every day is different from another for me, yet at the same time they are kind of similar. I get up, lay in bed for a bit, come downstairs and have coffee and whatever breakfast is that day, open my laptop and work on things for the day, have a lesson or Zoom meeting or work on other projects for my students, and of course take breaks for myself amongst all of that, until my mom comes home from work, we three have supper, watch something on television together, go to bed, and it all begins again the next morning. This weekend is nice because Memorial Day is tomorrow, so she’s home for an extra day. A (literal) bright spot in the past couple days is the sun. It had been pretty gray most of this past week, so it was particularly nice when the sun came out. Yesterday was actually quite warm–in the 80’s. We spent some nice time on the patio under the pergola enjoying the sun and warmth, and I got a couple bug bites. Today I’m working on some things for students, and maybe giving my dad a haircut.

We didn’t do the haircut… but we DID spend pretty much any free time over the last two weekends and weekday evenings watching Alias.

corona 4

APRIL

First of all, I am making it known that I will be trademarking the phrase corona sad™.

Due to the Stay-at-Home order extenstion, my senior recital is now indefinitely postponed… at least until the first week of May, and even then, who knows.

As April goes on, I think I am finally starting to adjust a little bit to this whole staying home business. Granted, I am great at staying home, the little hermit that I am. But I’m talking in the context of staying home when I’m used to being in class and seeing everyone and seeing my family every couple of weeks. The media has started to become a monotonous drone of more bad news. I feel like I am slowly becoming desensitized to the shock of it all (except for the increasingly funny false information about practices that could help keep people healthy–somebody needs to realize that he is the one spreading ~fake news~!).

The 12th came and went… the day that would have been my senior recital. Without any pomp or circumstance, besides a really kind Facebook post from my mom, the day passed. The 15th, grad school decision day, also came and went, but not without decisions being submitted! The bright spots of the month are not going by un-celebrated. We had ice cream to commemmorate the big life decision, and the following week was filled with apartment hunting. Along with that, it’s been fun to work on other future planning in musical and professional spheres. I’ve updated my professional website and created a page offering voice lessons over the summer. I’ll learn what it feels like to be on the hosting end of a Zoom lesson, if I get any students.

Another special day is here, and I think it will involve some movie-watching and pasta-eating. It has been nice to appreciate the magic of spring on walks as well as the beauty of indoor coziness. Despite the positivity that is indeed present in these strange times, I’ve found myself disappointed with some of the people who I look up to in their social media presences. I’ve found myself sad for others whose feelings are invalidated and personal life experiences during such a hard time stifled with toxic positivity. There is a difference between encouraging someone that everything will be okay and telling them that they can do something that they have said themselves is really difficult for them to do in such a time when there are other options that might be better for them personally. To those of you who feel invalidated and are having a hard time with online classes or working from home or have people in your life who have been affected by this virus, you are heard, you are valid, and you will be okay whatever happens. It is okay to plan for the future and try to get systems in place that will make education continually possible in a safe, socially distanced, and healthy way, but we absolutely must remember that not everybody thrives in that learning environment. Most of us did not choose this, and we are doing the best that we can. Choices do need to be made moving forward, and we are each allowed to advocate for what is best for our own health (mental and physical) and safety, while also remembering the huge importance of the health of others. There are more and more people who are growing frustrated with the guidelines set by governments and health organizations, and I want those people to know that it is okay to feel that way, but we HAVE to remember that the businesses that open without instituting measures that protect everyone are putting people at risk! Just like last month, people are DYING. The virus is still spreading, and we have to assume the responsibility to keep each other safe. If the economy opens too early, more people will die.

The order is extended another 30 days, which makes my recital… in question. But that’s definitely not the most important thing right now.

Carbs, coffee, and peanut butter. That would make a good poem. Life’s poem. At least, they’re sustaining my life force for the time being. Right now, I’m taking a quiz and eating animal crackers with peanut butter, along with some coffee that will hopefully sustain me through the looming paper I need to write today. Everyone’s doing the best that they can, but man, having everything online is hard. Granted, the semi-flexible schedule is pretty nice. And soon, this will all be over. Just two more weeks of classes, and we graduate!